How I feel is empty within myself. Although, yes I lived the life of the party, danced naked with strangers and kissed so many even I’m surprised I never got Mano; at these same events, no one even played my song. No one thought of it. I have finally arrived at a scene where I’m put on the queue. I have gone from an angsty drug addict to an artistic friend. People are curious about what I have to say or what I have done. I now feel what I release matters even more than before. It is no longer just an obsessive ex reading what I put out. People are beginning to actually understand my style and respond with interest. They are looking at me for inspiration, and not just artists, all of them, nursing majors, entrepreneurs, engineers, etc. They are the first to respond and bring questions forward. I feel heard by people I don’t even see anymore. By people, I will most likely never see in my life again. So yes, this is why I feel empty. I feel empty because I cannot bring these people into my bed at night, I cannot bring them along with me to my day job, I cannot hear them in my meditations, I cannot use them up to feel less lonely throughout my days. I hear that I make them feel less lonely, more secure, alive even, but then I feel lonelier. As if, the relatability discredits my artistic persona. This persona is insulted but when it’s me, and I mean just me…I’m curious about what more I can make people feel comfortable with. Can I make them comfortable admitting things they’d never admit to complete strangers online? Could I almost save people from becoming alienated within their thought of “No one else does this” by displaying, that yes, in fact, we all do. We all do this. We all sit on our phones a lot longer than we’d admit. Yes, we all think it’s our way of living within a fantasy over our boring unfiltered reality. We all lie and over-exaggerate our stories to people, but no we aren’t liars. We just like a story worth telling and we feel the real story doesn’t surprise anyone we’d like to impress. Ah yes, we also think a million thoughts and find it hard to do any of it, all the possibilities face us and let’s face it ourselves, confrontation is terrifying even if it’s us we’re facing. So we end up watching Youtube influencers show us how to do the things we already know how to do and by the time the 13-minute video you’ve watched on 1.5 speed is over, the interest has faded. Maybe they had an uneasy tone or we didn’t like the aesthetic or they made it feel too commercial or we feel they were trying too hard, but MAYBE what it is, is that you can’t get yourself to just do it yourself. That’s the truth and yes we all feel that and yes it’s shameful, but we don’t give ourselves the space to think of the shame. So we never get over the fact that we haven’t done any of the things we’ve been trying to do since the new year and now there’s an even newer year where newer goals need to be accomplished. But none of this is shameful, it’s human. Everyone does this, even your friend that seems to know how to do everything.
This is what makes me feel lonely. That I write all of this in hope, everyone will agree with me and agree that they do this too, but it is in fact just me. My need to feel relatable but also untouchable will keep me unsatisfied with you all. But I need you all.
GROOVEWITHKI 